i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
