The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
