were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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