he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Randomize
