You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
