I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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