I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
