Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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