Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
