nut hugger
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
