Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
