I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
