1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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