Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
