He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
