I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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