I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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