What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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