I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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