my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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