this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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