Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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