His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
