My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
