I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
