it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
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