also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
