you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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