if you like me you must not know who I am
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
