if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
