so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
