her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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