you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
The best revenge is premature balding
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
