Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
