I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
