i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
