I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
where am i from again
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
