This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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