I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
