I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I think I just shit out all my problems.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
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