So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
