so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
