AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
