Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
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