if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
