You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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