We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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