I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
We left the knife in your bed.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
