I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
