A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Randomize
