I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
It all started with a game of naked twister.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
